Fake it 'til you Make it

All this talk of greatness and wanderlust on here and various other things going on outside of "blogland" (I just threw up in my mouth a little from saying that word) has me thinking...I mean I'm always thinking about something but it makes me wonder why I'm thinking so much and so hard all the time...I like to think of myself as one of those people who needs to make art no matter what....that if I lived in a cave in the backwoods of nowhere that I would just keep making and making and making, even if no one ever saw the work, ever. I like to think that...but sometimes wonder if I were ever just to stop planning and just wait and see what happens next...what would happen? Would that drive be there? Would I just have to make art because something inside me would freak out if I wasn't? Or would I fall perfectly into the life of someone who goes out every night and spends their time and money on drinks in bars, fancy outfits and new electronic devices, instead of art supplies, websites and postcards...Would my house be clean and finished if I weren't an artist? Would my brain not worry as much over the insanitites that it does worry about constantly? Would I have another interest or would I just float around aimlessly? Would I care way less about social stereotypes than I do now, or more? Do people who aren't artists feel like something is missing? I can't help but feel like there would be a huge gaping hole in my life and that I would be more miserable than ever before if I didn't make art...La once called art "painful masturbation" and that seems to be a pretty great comparision...It hurts sometimes, it makes you crazy, but after all that work you feel so insanely wonderful...even if only for a moment, before you start all over again...What keeps us coming back, even though sometimes (most times) we torture ourselves during the process? Is it all for that moment of feeling really really good? Or are we just some crazy art version of masochists, where its the pain and the feeling crazy that makes us keep at it?...
I don't know...I am going to try not to think about it too much...I am just going to keep planning and doing and making and freaking out and making some more...because I don't know the answer, I don't know what would happen...no one does...and if I worry too much does then it become a self fulfilling prophecy?...see what I mean, too much thinking just adds to the freaking out...Someone that I used to work for once said to me "Fake it 'til you make it" and I've always thought that to be good advice...I think I'll just continue to prescribe to that mindset...making it up as I go, with some random planning along the way....I also think that I will start to flip off anyone that gives me the "Oh....you're having a baby, there goes your art life..." look...Sounds like a plan to me...
til next thursday...
xo D