"So, let’s see. There’s a black satin headband, and a burgundy bow, and a gold and white charm, and what else what else . . oh yeah, A GIANT FUCKING BIRD GLUED TO YOUR HEAD"
"Okay, what happened here? It looks like her tits caught fire and she tried to put it out with her purse." 
"You know, it’s unnerving enough that there’s someone out there, painstakingly making polymer replicas of your cooter. But it really gets weird in the description: After purchasing, send me a convo describing your vagina: the shape of your inner and outer labia, colors, how much or how little your inner labia extend out from your outer labia, how well hidden your clitoris is, is it heavily hooded, or can you see it fairly easily?
Yeah, I don’t think so. If I’m going to spend that much time online talking to a stranger about my pussy, I better be playing with myself."
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